Think back to your late elementary and junior high years. Do you remember your first attempts to measure whether a classmate might be attracted to you? You would do or say something very subtle, not revealing your own interest, all the while hoping for a clear and decisive response from the other person. Of course it was awkward and completely unfair. It was also, at its core, something completely common—an invitation to connect relationally. We put those invitations out there all the time. Hopefully a bit more maturely and straight-forward than our early days but we do so nonetheless.
In marriage it’s no different. We reach out to each other with an invitation to connect relationally every day. However, one of the challenges in marriage is that we can get so used to routine that we begin to miss them. We fail to see that ordinary events and the simplest communications from our spouse can actually be the most important invitations for relational connection.
In marriage there are big, obvious invitations and subtle, little ones. The big ones might involve an anniversary dinner, a romantic vacation or an offer of physical intimacy. Who could fail to see the significance of these? The little ones, however, are tricky. They might sound like they are only about sports or hobbies, chores or trivial information. You might be tempted to think, “yeah those are easy to miss but they aren’t that important either. The important thing is to recognize the big invitations to connect.” Beware! That thinking is completely backwards. The most important invitations in your marriage are actually the little ones.
Great marriages are built within a rhythm of recognizing and responding to the little invitations to connect relationally. We’re calling them “little invitations” only because they tend to be embedded in simple, everyday kinds of messages. But what they lack in clarity they make up for in potential. This is actually where you live out and demonstrate that you are truly connected. (Incidentally, the “big invitations” are really only meaningful as celebrations of a relationship forged through the experiences found within the “little invitations.” You can’t ignore the little ones and make up for it with the big ones. Watch for more about this idea on the M.I. blog.)
This month your goal is simply to sharpen your skills at recognizing the daily invitations your spouse throws your way. And when you understand the significance, you wont want to miss them!
Blessings! Pastor Bill & Melanie
Part One: An Individual Project
Complete this portion individually:
- For a few days keep a simple list of occasions that you think your spouse is asking to connect with you relationally. (you are looking for the “little invitations,” not the big ones). For example, “when my spouse told me about what he/she read today, it was really an offer to connect.” Or, “when my spouse asked me to help with something, there was a physical task to complete but he/she was also hoping to connect by doing it together.” Watch especially for the potential meaning behind requests for help, statements about emotions (such as joy, sorrow and anger), offers to do things together, statements about things learned, and questions about you.
- After a week or so, study your list. Do you observe any discernible patterns? What deeper relational meaning might lie behind the invitations you observed the most?
- How well do you usually recognize the significance of the invitations your spouse presents to you? How well do you respond to them? If you could improve at this how might it change the way both of you define your relationship?
Part Two: A Couple Conversation
Sometime near the end of April, sit down to talk through these things as a couple:
- Take turns telling each other generally what you believe you observed about his or her invitations to connect. Then provide some kind and gentle feedback as to whether each other’s observations were generally on track.
- Share with each other one occasion when you observed the other responding well to your own invitation to connect relationally.
- Finally, identify one part of life that you would like to share in more as a couple. Describe what it would mean to you in relational terms. (For example: “If we could share more in managing our finances together, I would enjoy that as being partners in life.” “If we could more often tell each other about what happens at our jobs I would see us as being trusting.” “If I had a way of participating in your hobby I would experience that as unity.”)
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